il-over-mr.

***


Bigla kong naalala si Mark Mujer. Weee. Haha.


***


3 gabi na sana akong di nagpapatay ng ilaw dahil sa Paranormal stuff na yun, pero buti na lang at nasa dorm si James.


1am na ako dumating sa gusali, at nagulat ako nang may marinig akong tunog ng bentilador sa kabila ng pinto namin. Patay ang ilaw sa ibang mga kwarto, at medyo kinikilabutan ako.

Pagbukas ko, si James, natutulog. At naisip ko pa bigla na baka binangungot yung tao, kaya tiningnan kong maigi kung humihinga siya. Bakit nadito si James??? Tanong ko sa sarili.


Kabado pa rin akong humiga sa kama. Nagawa kong patayin ang ilaw. At hindi ako kagad nakagawa ng tulog.



Sana mag-expire na sa akin ang epekto ng Paranormal Activity.
Kaya siguro ako natakot dun sa pelikula ay dahil bigla ko lang naisip na pwede... baka nga may paranormal activities kapag natutulog ang isang tao. Basta, iba talaga yung impact nung pelikula sa akin. It got me thinking about the possibility. Haha.


***

Kinausap ako ng mga Kataas-taasan ng departamento namin. At tungkol ito sa weblog ko. O mas kilala sa akin bilang aking journal.

I visited my journal today to make a new post, but it took me 30 minutes before I could do so because of many messages, which I enjoyed reading and writing replies to.

I 'm amazed by people who are anime fans.

***


Ben, my closest friend from high school, arrived at hometown all the way from Qatar last Saturday. I missed this friend, so I stayed at their house yesterday from 5pm to almost 11pm.

I didn't get good sleep afterwards; I remembered Paranormal Activity, which I watched alone at Gateway Cinema 7 last Friday night at 9:50pm.
Family and friends laughed at me when I told them what happened to me.


Because of the creeps that the movie gave me, I was not able to get back to my own room that night. Haha. No joke. I decided to go straight to the bus terminal in Sampaloc Manila, and travelled to northern Quezon.
Kinikilabutan pa rin ako nung nasa jeep ako, at naisip kong mali ang desisyon ko na manood. Nasira ang isked ko, tuloy.


***


Andres Bonifacio Day ngayon. Yun. Wala na akong masabi. Hehe.

Today is the birthday of the person I love the most in the world. Happy birthday to my Nanay. :)
And tomorrow is the birthday of my Tatay. :)

Of course my parents don't know computers and internet, so still they won't be able to read this. But I'm going home, so I'll be able to greet them in person. :)

Wanted:

5 female unitmates in Astral Tower


amenities (as sent by the one requesting this post):

• 3 bedrooms
• maid's quarters
• kitchen
• dining
• sala
• laundry room
• swimming pool
• telephone
• cleaner
• internet

For any questions or if you are interested or if you know someone interested or might be concerned about this, please feel free to contact


---> Patricia Salonga (UP Manila 2nd year student) at 09062732264.

Oh my. My hands went cold, while I just complained about the poor aircon.


At around 2:40pm today, I saw Sir Bernie Terrado!:) He's in red. God, I was surprised. He was sitting on one of the sofas in the first floor of the department, facing a laptop. That was so out of expectation. Whew. Drowsiness suddenly went away.

I wonder what he's doing. If I were not a nervous person, then at least I could have greeted him. But maybe, being able to say even a single word to him would only happen in my dreams; I'm too nervous to be able to do that in real life.



He's such a nice person.

***


Nalilibang na rin ako kay Isay ngayon, at kay Jason na rin. At gusto ko pa rin si Paul Jake.

Nung isang gabi na lang uli ako nakapanood ng PBB.

I have been belligerent these days. I became volatile. And maybe I'm becoming difficult to live with, and I want to thank you people who still remind me some good things, no matter how bad I am now. When I talked back to some people, I really forgot my position, that I'm a teacher and so on and so forth. For some or for most, maybe my demeanor is unforgivable already. My closest friends have told me off. Ba't daw kasi pumapatol pa ako. And I submit to them, because I know I'm wrong.


But I thank you Ishentricity, Xianora, JanelleMia, and some more anonymous correspondents, for simply giving me some positive reminders which actually helped me in a way you probably don't know.



I just want to thank you.


***

I will watch Paranormal Activity on Dec 2.

My students, please understand that I wasn't taking it against you. The thing is, that part of the blog entry was not even the main idea in that letting out. On that day, my pool of stressors simply ran over.

One, higher officials talking to me was actually terrifying, personally. Two, I had not yet gotten over the fact that the co-worker I was admiring was already gone. Childish of me, but that was one reason. Three, close friends seemed distant and did not talk to me for no apparent reason. This, I didn't expect to be stressful, too.


My mentioning of that survey was simply my way of putting it all together all at once, annexing it to the primary killers of the day. But that, again, was just a matter of cleansing what's in my mind. Unreasonable enough, I might seem to be blaming failed students, when I myself was an irresponsible human being. Still, I found it really a help to be writing it in my journal.


But truth is, I didn't blame them; I don't blame you. I could actually have moved on the following day if not for some people who noticed it. (We are actually used to being criticized in evaluation papers at every end of sem, so it's not really a big deal.)

One journal commentor explicitly said that I was always absent. I didn't question that. But to tell you guys the truth, that comment even delayed my getting over the matter. That was honest, but I found it a little bit defamatory. The timing wasn't really good. It was because, one, I was really going to say the cause of the complaints myself, but this commentor got ahead of me. And two, I wasn't feeling well yet.

Of course, I know my shortcomings. You don't have to tell me that. Or if you're concerned, maybe you could have waited for another timing, or for another set-up. What you did was like, attacking me in my very home, in my very own territory. To tell people about my professional performance using my own journal was like--I don't know, I found it arrogant, especially knowing that you passed.



There is no question in my absences, and lates, and being irresponsible and all. But still, I didn't really found you helping there.


On the other hand, I want to extend my thanks to the people who, even out of doubt, still said soothing things to help me. Not that you're supporting me in my mistakes, I just appreciate you for doing that little help to ease the way I felt.



Now to those students saying sorry, please don't worry. You didn't have to. To those who felt that they're the ones I talked about, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm sincerely sorry.



Let us all forget about it and move on.



***

I thank Sir Suma for massaging my back this afternoon after my 4-5:30 class. He said that my back was stiff and stony, and he said confidently that it was stress. He was right.

He said I probably had myofascial syndrome.

Nung nakaraang Sabado, nagpa-masahe ako sa Massage King, SM City Stamesa. Um, okey naman. Kaya lang, kaso lang, yun.


Una sa lahat, gusto ko sanang sa lalaking masahista ako napatapat. (Pero okey din namang magmasahe yung Ate.) Pangalawa, higit sa isang customer ang tinatanggap sa isang silid. Ibig sabihin, sama-sama kaming minamasahe dun. Syempre, di naman ata maganda ang ganun. Pangatlo, nagkukuwentuhan ang mga masahista habang nagmamasahe. Hindi masyadong relaxing. Pang-apat, maliwanag yung silid. Maganda sanang medyo madilim. At panglima, naaamoy ko ang hininga ng masahista habang minamasahe ako sa ulo, at hindi masyadong maganda ang amoy. Lalong hindi nakakarelax.


Ako na, ako nang magkaroon ng sariling massage place. Haha. Pero, sa pangkalahatan, okey pa rin naman.


Kaya lang, mas gusto ang Green Apple ng Gateway. Mas mura na, mas kumportable pa. Kaya lang, walang lalaking masahista dun.



Gusto ko talagang makahanap ng disenteng masahihan na mga lalaki ang nagmamasahe. Tingin ko lang ay mas masarap yun, at mas nakakapagpaganda ng pakiramdam. Sa kasamaang palad, hanggang ngayon ay wala pa akong nakikitang ganung massage place.


Pag may alam naman kayo, ipagbigay-alam ninyo sana sa akin, haha.



***


Nami-miss ko na ang mahimbing na tulog. Nais kong maging "stress-resilient". Di bale, pag-aaralan ko talaga. Makukuha ko rin yan sa pagsasanay.


***


Walang magandang sine ngayon. Parang ganun. Wala akong mapili. Tapos, hindi ko naman gusto yung New Moon. Hindi ko talaga gusto ang mga ganung tipo ng pelikula.


***

Fellatio is animalistic.
Maybe, I will fellate someone only if I love him (romantically).

I'm harvesting the fruits of my labor.



Yesterday, I went home with headaches. I just couldn't make all of them get managed all at the same time.

One, department chair talked to me and broke to me (gently) that, 3 colleges of UP Manila are complaining about me. Two of them are the colleges of Public Health and Nursing, and the other one is yet to be known. Apparently, I am being questioned on the large number of failed students in the subjects I handled. Sir said that the dean of the home college would be talking to me any time soon and that I should be ready.

Two, unit head also talked to me (for the second time) and said in his opening line, "it's very unlike you, alexis."

He said one of the faculty members of our unit noticed that there was a dramatic drop in number of students pre-enlisting in my subjects.

"You know, I just wonder. There's got to be something. You're okay person, you're likeable, so it's very unlike you (in what's happening these days.)" He even added, "okey lang sana kung...but you're not only average, you were outstanding, so what happened?"

"You're okay person, you're likeable, and you're bright. And you're responsible." (I could've laughed at his emphasizing and said ehem ehem and expressed disagreement, but I was just still, listening closely to him. I was calmer this time than the first encounter.) But you seem to have problems in dealing with--this part I didn't get clearly.

[Disclaimer (if needed): the adjective "responsible" was only appropriate to hear 2 years ago. I actually would have laughed, but I did not, because he was serious.]


What happened? That was his main question. And to that, my partial answer was, "Sir, I felt I lost something, and I couldn't regain it."




I've been reading some articles on stress these days, and I think I just got free exercises. Here are my stressors (yesterday):

-Sir Marquez talking to me
-Sir Solano talking to me and...
- co-workers obviously not talking to me (sorry if I couldn't answer telephone calls)
-journal comment on my entry "I saw Matt today"


It was a tough practice.




But I'm sincerely very thankful to Sir Solano for having that personal concern about me.


***


Yesterday (Friday) was my stressful day. Kinakarma na yata ako.

But Thursday was my day for myself. I went to a mall and bought personal stuff. I bought lots of pure fruit juices and decided to have facial.

At ang masasabi ko lang. Ang sakit pala nun. Anyway, the lying down part was relaxing.


***


I had class yesterday in Math 14 even though there were only two students. I didn't know where the others were. Next meeting, exercises already, and new topic.

If I would be responsible this sem, I would execute a brand new level of strictness. I would never give away anything that is not worked hard for. I promise myself that.


I don't feel good about students who always blame their teachers whenever they fail, especially when they are not in the position to do so. On the other hand, I praise those who know their weaknesses enough and hold themselves responsible for their insufficiencies.

I myself was like that, bluntly speaking. No matter how out-of-the-world teachers could be in my home university, I never really settled on the insufficiency of the teacher. Especially as long as I know there are others in the class who still make it after all.

I say this this partly because a co-worker showed me a survey on the students' reasons why they got a grade of 5. Choices were "Prof", "I didn't give my best", and "I hate Math". A little surprisingly, most of them indicated that it's the Prof. And even those who always got scores around 20%.

But it's their opinions, anyway. I have respect. (I just couldn't imagine that even the very, very poorly performing students made their share of the "because of the Prof" answers. That really amazed me.)


But I have a question:

What if they passed and they're asked why they passed, would they have given the same/equivalent answer?

[Say the choices would be a.) because of the Prof, b.) I worked really hard/I'm good at Math, or c.) I love Math]


Nothin'. I just think it's nice to know.


Maybe, people generally tend to pass the buck on something if it's about "the bad".



***

I'm going. Off to SM North EDSA.

After many failed attempts to watch with friends, I was finally able to watch 2012 myself last night. I just really don't wait a lot.

The movie was long--I got in Gateway Cinema 1 at 9:30pm and got out of it past 12 in the morning already. It was fine. Enough for me for a disaster movie. Effects were excellent. But overall, I didn't really feel that I liked it. Maybe I was just expecting a certain feeling at the end of the movie, which I didn't get.

Isa pa, gusto ko sanang patay lahat sa ending, at yung nagunaw talaga yung buong mundo. Yung walang bagong simula. Hehe.

But of course, I admire and salute all the writings and ideas, and all the people behind this movie. It's a praiseworthy effort to come up with such a futuristic fiction.


***

Yesterday at the office~

RV Villavicencio (former Chem faculty member) was in the department yesterday. He was modelling the chemical structure of cholesterol in 3D using a computer program. Out of the blue, he told me about his grade in Math 17 and said "ipinaglaban ko pa yooon!" The way he delivered that was really funny. Natawa talaga ako.


The Koreans' housemaid telephoned me while I was talking with RV and Pia. She was inviting me to attend her daughter's christening. RV was teasing me that my girlfriend was just checking me out. Hahaha. Sure he doesn't know about me.
Girlfriend???


Sir Edan (the department's head) was keen on me. Haha. It was funny that it was always a big deal for him if I smiled, or if I showed some energy in my actions. Yesterday, he was really surprised and said while other teachers were there, "wow, mukhang may energy si alexis ngayon...nakakatayo kasi." Haha. Kulit ni Sir. Madalas daw kasi ay "nakayukayok" ako, o kaya ay tulog sa department. Buti na lang parang ambait niya sa akin. Hehe.


Sir Solano approached me and talked to me in private for what he called a "pressing concern". I had an inkling because of his tone. And I was right. It was about blogging. 0_o
Waaah...

I suddenly thought that I'd have to close this journal already as the requirement. Kinabahan ako. As a result, I suddenly stained my sincerely innocent intent of just writing about some stuff that I'm simply glad about.
I told him I'd be thinking about some solutions, before he gets back to me for another approach.
(He said that the site got large amount of hits on the internet, reason for some entries to be on top of the results upon Googling some key words/phrases. Which actually scared me after hearing it. Whew!) Anyway, I'm thankful for his honest concern.




I'm wondering if I could ever learn to speak and understand the Chinese language. Grabe kasi, parang pare-pareho yung tunog ng mga salita sa lahat ng pangungusap.

Parang ganito yung narinig ko. Tsi tsu yang lu syi wa chung tsing min ru swa. syu syi tsang ren min shur mi tsin shing...

Medyo gusto ko yung mga tsino sa 2012.

I just made my first lecture for the 2nd sem. It went well somehow.



My schedules for the year.


Second sem:

workload for the second sem

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
7-8:30				Math75 Lab2b
8:30-10				Math75 Lab2b
10-11:30		Math 11 mixed			Math 11 mixed
11:30-1		Math 14 TFD			Math14 TFD
1-2:30				Math75 Lab1b
2:30-4				Math75 Lab1b
4-5:30	Math17 mixed	Math17 mixed		Math17 mixed	Math17 mixed
5:30-7
7-:8:30
8:30-10

1st sem (the recently concluded):


MTh:

1:30-2:30pm --- PH21
2:30-4pm --- PH22


TF:

8:30-9:30am --- PH22
10-11:30am --- PH21

1-2:30pm --- Nursing 25
2:30-4pm --- BABS
4-5:30pm --- Nursing 26

Grabe. Nalungkot ako sa eksenang kinukuha ni Bernie (Terrado) yung mga libro niya sa desk niya. Inilagay niya ang mga yon sa malaking kahon. Medyo na-shock nga ako nung bigla na lang siyang pumanhik na dala ang kahon na yun.:((

Kausap ko noon si Pia, at napansin niyang may nagbago sa akin. Bigla kasi akong nawala sa pinag-uusapan namin. Sabi ko sa kanya, masama lang talaga pakiramdam ko. Ang hindi niya alam, lungkot na lungkot na ako nun, dahil lang nakita ko si Bernie na nag-eempake. Isip-bata siguro ako. At sobrang hindi manly ng karakter ko pagdating sa emosyon. Ang dali kong malungkot.


Tingnan na lang ito: Heartbreaking yung moment na yun para sa akin, sheeet. Nakakapanghina yung sight na parang paalis na siya. Waaah. Bakit parang siya pa lang ang nag-empake sa dept na nalungkot ako, eh samantalang kung tutuusin ay para kaming hindi magkakilala.


Dahil sumama loob ko, dagli akong pumunta kay Ate Eden para sabihin sa kanya na nalulungkot ako. :( Ang sama nung pakiramdam ko. Buti na lang wala masyadong estudyante sa silid ni Ate Eden. Hay.


Grabe ang melancholica sa akin these days. Mula pa 'to nung di ako makakuha ng tiket at pumalyang makapanood ng 2012.

Sana maging maayos na.

I saw Matt today near the Dean's office door. I just thought and felt that I would probably be missing him this christmas. I won't be buying chocolates anymore. :(
Somehow, it saddened me. And inside the jeepney, another loneliness nearly made me weep. It's because I recalled good stuff. He's the only non-familial person in the world I loved that much yet.

Whenever I'm worried about him, the thing that comforts me is saying to myself that I truly loved him, and God knew that. Most of the time, it worked.



Hence, the title of my journal. I thought that people would ignore the title. But Bagnol deciphered it. He said once in the past, "Lex, anong ibig sabihin ng rmr?" I just smiled and didn't answer.


There'd be time though, I believe, it would no longer be necessary that I emphasized that for myself just so I'd feel okay when I think about him in the future.

I definitely need to learn to cope.




Things that I don't want to be eternally so bad at:

-time management
-adaptation to changes



I still feel feeble. And I don't want to be consumed by the (sometimes) destructive, unnecessary emotions. Fight it.

Hay. Nalulungkot ako. At parang iiiyak ko na lang ito sa bahay. Mali yata yung ginawa ko. Sana naman, hindi ako nakaapekto nang kaganun. At ngayon, nalulungkot na nga ako tungkol sa bagay na pinag-alalahan ko dati.:(

Masakit pala yun, kahit ganun lang.


Pakiramdam ko, resigned ako ngayon at walang trabaho. At ngayong alam ko naman na di pa ko tanggal, parang di ko na maramdaman ang saya. Lumipas na ang saya... lalo na't...


...di ko na siguro siya makikita uli. Grabe, medyo masikip pa rin sa dibdib.


Hindi ko talaga alam na magiging problema ko rin yun. Huhu. Ang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Hay... Naiiyak ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana. Pano pa ako nito papasok, at magsisimulang muli ng kung ano ang nakaatang sa akin. Mahirap nang gawin. Parang tinatamad na ako.

Mahirap talaga sa akin ang kung pano maging masaya. Bakit ganun.




Naiiyak talaga ako sa simpleng bagay na yun. :( Di yun problema eh, pero... Bakit, bakit.



***

hanggang sa susunod na lamang. hindi maganda ang nararamdaman ko.

Sa kasalukuyan

1. Oras at araw: mga 9:45 ng gabi, Biyernes
2. Lokasyon: Cubao, Quezon City
3. Gagawin: Manonood ng 2012 sa Gateway Cineplex 10 kasama si Norman (the high school friend)
4. Problema: Sobrang daming tao sa Gateway Cinema Lobby at pagkahaba-haba ng pila para sa tickets!
   
   
   Bastos na bata
   
   
   Nung naglalakad ako sa may Katipunan flyover papuntang Cubao, nakita kong may batang kalye na tumatawid papalapit sa akin. Aba, nagulat ako nang bigla na lang niyang nilagay kamay niya sa likod ng shorts ko,at pinadaan sa pagitan, papuntang harap. Muntik na talagang masalat ang ano ko. Pinagalitan ko yung bata, pero ginawa pa niya nang isang beses. Binilisan ko paglakad, at medyo kinilabutan pa ko nung tumigil siya sa may poste at nagtago. Napaisip tuloy ako ako na baka maligno yun. Hay, pag minamalas nga naman.
   
   
   
   Matrix
   
   Balak kong pumunta sa UP National Science Complex (pinagandang pangalan ng college namin, haha) bukas o sa lunes.
   
   Naisipan ko lang na magandang mag-aral ng Matrix uli. Malay nyo, yun pala ang pwede kong mai-publish, hehehe.
   
   Paborito ko talaga ang Matrix Algebra and Analysis nung college. Mahirap, pero nakakatuwa. Gusto kong makakita ng real-life situations kung saan makakatulong nang malaki ang paggamit ng mga marix. Para naman maging kapaki-pakinabang ang gagawing pag-aaral.

DVD life

Mayroon na akong mga DVD na many-in-one, galing sa Quiapo. May puro Friday the thirteenth lang, may Harry Potter series, at may action flicks din, tulad ng Constantine at Matrix Trilogy. Nawa'y magkaroon ako ng panahon na mapanood/ma-review ang mga ito.

New publication:

"I'd rather die now than live a hundred years with you."
(500 Days of Bullshit)" ---Jobz dela Cruz, UP Manila Mathematics Instructor



Hahaha.

Heto ang bakasyon ko.



Um ayos naman yung tulog ko. Ayos din yung (libreng) mga kain. Libre ako sa paghuhugas ng mga plato, at sa pagluluto. Ang daming gustong gumawa. Hehe.


Okey naman yung libangan ko. Nakikinig ako ng musika, nanonood din ng TV, at nagbabasa minsan ng kwento. Nagbibisikleta rin ako kapag hapon na.



Nakapanood ako kanina ng Pinoy Big Brother, kaya lang di ko natapos.
Gusto ko sina: Jason, Melissa, at Paul Jake. At paborito kong mga eksena ang kanilang pagsasalu-salo sa pagkain at pagkukwentuhan. Ganun din naman ang pagtambay nila dun sa may mga sofa at upuan. Naaaliw akong makinig sa pinag-uusapan nila.



Sa kabilang dako, itinigil ko kanina ang pagbabasa ng short horror story ni Edgar Allan Poe. Nainip ako at nainis. Unang dahilan, hindi ko ito maintindihan. Hehehe. Pramis, bakit ang hirap intindihin nung sinulat niya. Hindi ako naakit tapusin.


***

May inuman kahapon sa bahay ng panganay kong kapatid na si Wilhelm. Natanaw ko sila mula sa bahay namin, makatawid ng palaisdaan. Nung lasing na yung mga tao, nagsasayawan na sila, at isa doon yung kuya ko. 0_o


Yung bunso kong kapatid naman, ay nagalit kahapon. At may alitang naganap sa pagitan niya at ng asawa niya. Hay. Sana maayos na nila ang kung anumang hindi napagkakasunduan.


***

Gusto ko pang mag alaga ng mga pusa. Gusto ko ay yung lahing pusa-kal lang, tapos aalagaan ko. May tatlo na sa amin, pero hindi sa akin yun. Gusto ko ay akin. Let me see kung ano pakiramdam ng parenting. Hehe.   

The urge to write an entry overpowered me, so here I am in front of a rented PC in a compshop 3 kilometers away from home. It's now a fixation. Hehe.


I wish I could access the internet through my mobile phone, so I can write an entry even in extreme hours of my day--immediately after waking up in the morning or right before sleeping at night. Haha. Adik. Um, I just feel that there are interesting things I miss writing because I tend to forget them when the day has started to get busy.



I'm supposed to have lots to put here now, but I'm still making drafts at home to ensure organization. Haha. Like the survey, and the statistical comparisons, the awardings, and more others. But for now, I'm just showing you this picture. Guess who. Hehe. Ngayon ko lang siya nakilala.

I'll update soon with the planned contents. Now, I'm gonna get my rest.



1st semester in UP Manila finally ended for me the day before yesterday. And tonight, I celebrated alone by watching a good movie. That's my sem-ender, while my co-workers were on a trip to Gumaca for the annual Pahinungod outreach activities. Di ko natripang sumali, tulad ng inaasahan.



***


Grabe, biglang hindi na naman ako masaya ngayong mga oras na ito. Mula pa ito kaninang 11pm, nung nasa Cubao pa ako. 

Sana lumipas na yung masamang pakiramdam pagkagising ko. Paalam.